I could not wait for Virginia, so my bff Elizabeth suggested a more local meandering: Pomona (that’s east of Los Angeles for you non-Californians) There’s this thing called the EquineAffaire Expo. It’s all horses and clinics and demonstrations and, well, mostly shopping. And you know I’m all about the shopping. And horsies. Put the two together, and I’m THERE. So we left on Friday, loaded with movies and music and itchy feet. The Mom-Mobile has a DVD player in the back just in case I have some children that need to be entertained. Or Art the Husband is along for the ride and gets bored. No AtH this time, just E. and I. And we had so much fun gossiping and giggling we never really got to the movie selection (and what a fine one it was: Love and Sex, Napoleon Dynamite, 200 Cigarettes, Mighty Aphrodite, City of Angels, Chasing Amy and Dogma).
We made it to San Luis Obispo Friday night, we stayed at the Madonna Inn. This place is on a hill in the middle of nowhere California. They have a thing for pink. As in, everything not themed is PINK. Pinker than pink. We stayed in the Jungle Rock room:
That’s right, those are real rock walls. No fake rock for us. E tested the walls, just to make sure.
Indeed, they were real rock, and real climbable.
The bathroom had a waterfall in a grotto, this was an AWESOME shower.
Faux zebra fur wallpaper, uneven stone floor (the same as the boulders on the walls), spending time at the toilet was entertaining as well as utilitarian. It was like peeing in a fur lined cave.
The room was full of little details; the glossy aqua painted ceiling, the midget chair at the desk (if you sat in the chair, your chin was on the desk, literally, I tested the theory. My chin was on the desk), the feathery fringe on the leather sofa. Fabuloos.
After we completely checked out our room, we went over to the restaurant, to get some meat (the menu boasts meat, meat, lobstah, and oh, more meat all in ‘generous cuts’ with sides slathered in either cheese or butter or, if you choose, both!). Elizabeth even wore her meat pants (please, don’t ask…..but I think she is possibly the ONLY person I know that can pull it off). The restaurant closed at…whatever time it was when we walked in the flippin’ door (like, quarter of 10 or something ridiculous like that. Small town, whatever. The bar was hoppin’ though, people dancing in their meat pants and skirts. Meat pants or not….no meat for us. So we slid downstairs to see if we could sneak a peek at the famous waterfall urinal in the mens room. They have one. It is famous. We were all casual about it, of course. E checked out the telephone grotto, it was very….red.
We waited and waited, fidgited…..no boys going in or out, we waited some more and eventually made our move. Twice actually. The first time we ducked in we were greeted by an antechamber with two doors. We got confused and all turned around and ended up back outside. We tried again and chose the door on the right….SUCCESS! There really IS a waterfall urinal, there were no boys using it nor were we caught by any boys trying to use it. So E. used it. No, seriously. Chica goes for distance, does not like to be interrupted and got none on her boots. This is good, because they were really cute boots. We noted that boy’s bathrooms reek, and exited quickly.
MEAT PANTS and the afore mentioned cute boots (fwi)
Next morning we stocked up on road snacks, coffee and headed out to Pomona. We stopped in Carpenteria so E. could get some sunglasses and we could say we went to the beach in February.
The horse expo was a lot of horses, too many kids and a massive amount of shopping potential. Mostly shopping.
We found a John Deere that we were loath to leave there, so we settled for E doing her sexiest John Deere Model Impression. AtH was impressed. With the tractor, that is.
There was a lot of clinic stuff going on, horses that didn’t wanna do stuff being taught, in front of hundreds of spectators, to do stuff they didn’t wanna do. Talk about pressure. And then there were breed demonstrations. We caught the Andelusians demo. They are breathtaking. Very big, very showy, most beautiful animals.
It was dark, so the pictures didn’t turn out so great.
Back inside the breed pavilion were the Andelusian’s counterparts, two little mini-horses. Touted as “the perfect pet”. Ummmm…yeah. Somehow I don’t think one of these things is going to be easy to housebreak, nor will it snuggle up on the bed well. No thanks. But they are cute.
We stayed until it got too cold (yeah yeah yeah, it’s southern california, I know, but we are woosies, and it was cold dammit) We got kettle corn for the ride home only to discover that not only is it the sweet and salty treat, but it’s WARM TOO. E. hugged it all the way to the car (and then proceeded to INHALE a good portion of it, I guess we shoulda picked up some lunch or something at some point).
E. overdid it (a prosthetic hip does not allow for copious amounts of hoofing it around the fairgrounds) and slept thru downtown L.A., which actually wasn’t so bad. I liked the lights at night. We went past all the cliches; Sunset Blvd, Hollywood, Studio City, Ventura Blvd. I’ve played enough GTA to feel completely familiar with the landmarks. We had sushi for dinner in Santa Barbara, marveled at how alike all the UCSB chicks looked (all long straight blonde hair, big boobs, tight hip riding denim, clacky clacker shoes and identical college-slut facial expressions)
We had such a good time at the Madonna Inn the first night, we stayed there a second night. Beats the shit out of anything else in that area. This time we got the Tack Room, which could have easily passed as the Cat Room…okay, the Whore Room. Serious…blood red, the entire thing. Red leather walls with brass studs, red hanging lamps with crystal dangly things, red ceilings, red LEATHER BEDSPREADS. E tossed her stuff onto the bed, and it slid across and landed on the floor on the opposite side. Awesome!
Breaking all the rules (you can do that when you’re away from home on a road trip, it’s in the handbook, look it up) E. tried out the armoire which had rope for doors
and tried on her new spurs….on the bed
It was great. I loved the room. E. tolerated it. Lacking rock walls made the neighboring rooms a bit more audible, neither of us slept particularly well that night, but still, we were able to sleep (this is a rarity for both of us when away from our own beds). But the beds were nice (yes, even with leather bedspreads) and the shower was great (they have a lot of water pressure and volume in San Luis Obispo) We dined at the cafe for breakfast and were impressed with their cakes (no, we did not have cake for breakfast, even though that is acceptable on roadtrips according to the handbook).
We were unimpressed with the very angry Reese Witherspoon look-alike that was pretending to be a hostess that morning. She wasn’t a very good pretender. We did not give her a good review on the little card you fill out to inform the management of your satisfaction. We noted her as ‘the very angry Reese Witherspoon look alike’. We’re pretty sure management will know who we meant, seeing as the other hostess was a very homosexual blonde dude and all the other waitstaff were either asian or old. Reese-a-like stuck out like an angry sore thumb.
The ride home was uneventful if not filled with great music and lots of stories and anecdotes, and the occasional “I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW, HURRY” “um, why didn’t you say something earlier?” “I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO EARLIER, but I have to go now, so hurry, I really mean it….really”
So that was our roadtrip. We didn’t even break into the movies, we are that entertaining to each other. I ruined Carlie Simon (oops, I stand corrected. It was Stevie Nicks. She has a voice like a billy goat) for E. She learned secrets about my totally emo youth. We made fun of boys, a lot. This is also in the handbook….look it up.
I still plan on flying out to Virginia and roadtripping thru the backwoods, but will wait for better weather. Southern California in February was just fine indeed.